God, I just need five more years in my life. I finally have a plan, a detailed plan of what I can do in these five years.
Finish my University. In the meanwhile, apply for the working part-time job into University (if my income level lets me D:) and learn Japanese for good (and if I am accepted - very unlikely- go to the USA with the exchange/teaching programme).
Find a way to get to Japan. Apply for every scholarship on Planet Earth, do the Civil Service in the meantime to raise some money (or find some other kind of job, whatever it is).
Go to Japan, one way or another. And enjoy myself for the first time in my life. But mostly, arrive somewhere where I wanted to be thanks only to my brain. Prove myself that I'm not trapped in a country where if you're not Somebody's daughter you won't go anywhere far. Prove myself that all the fighting, all the pain, all the guilt and the nights I just wanted to end by ANY means had a purpose. That I have a place I can go because I want to, and a home to come back if I ever need to. That maybe life made me unsensitive, but that it also made me strong.
Then, I can go. I can die, it won't matter. I'd rather live a short life and die when I'm at my most happiness that live a long life where I'm trapped and every second feels like wasted.
I'm tough, God, but you see, I'm also very practical. If a life it's useless, it's better to end it. No more wasting on Planet Earth.
So, give me five years. Five years to prove myself that I can do it if given the chance. Then if I don't make it just because of ME, well, the loss will be all mine and I will know that I just wasn't as strong and as smart as I thought. I will know what to do then, and you know this.
Five years. Two more years in which my parents will pay for my studies. Two more years of tranquility. Five more years in health without accidents. Five more years of money in the crisis.
I know it's a lot to ask. But it's just five years, they're so short in a life span. Then, you can take it all back if you want. Take my life before it becomes 30-something years old, as exchange for the time you gave me.
It's been so hard on me lately God, you know. I know that some people have worse situations; this used to make me feel better, but it doesn't anymore. Because in the end, it's my life we're talking about, my life I'm stuck with, and sometimes I can't understand why I'm here at all and it makes me feel like shit. And I'm tired of feeling that way, because even IRON breaks sooner or later. And I don't want to.
But I decided that I want to give it one more try. You know why, and only you need to know. I decided to take active part in my life again.
So, five years. That's my deal. Five years of peace. Three years that will be tough, yes, but years in which I will feel like heading for somewhere. Then, two years of life, of happiness, of discovering. Then well, I will have had my share. It will be okay, really. I don't mean to live forever anyway. ;P
I've been so angry at you without even knowing, I think. But I don't want to be angry at you, because you saved me once. So I suppose you saved me for a purpose, right? Well, this is my deal. It's time for me to discover that purpose. So give me the time I need. I've come up with a plan, a reasonable one, but I need some help here.
No more problems for three years. Then, life preserved for two years.
That's all.
Let's make this deal, God. In Italy we say "God helps the ones that help themselves". I will be good with me. I will motivate myself. Everytime I am tempted to forget, I'll just come back to this place and remind me again of the pact we sealed. I will help myself. So God, help me too.
I can shine for you if you give me five years, God. I can shine and make the life you gave me worth living.
So, let's make this deal.
Yours truly.
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